If you were to ask William Zinnsser, one of America’s leading authorities on memoirs, he’d likely tell you that time is vital in storytelling…and to an extent he’d be right, but he’d also tell you that the recovery memoir, which is arguably one of the most popular microgenres of the memoir genre is cheap. Okay, maybe he wouldn’t say cheap, but it’s not on the same level as a memoir that captures a time in history, that perhaps is less about the author or their healing process than it is about something much broader than the author. In some ways, he’s right, but at the same time, what is selling and what is working speaks for itself, which is why I say that no, you do not have to have years of experience and hindsight before writing a memoir. That said, there are some significant pros and cons to waiting for perspective before writing your memoir.
Is This Your Only Book?
Many of the memoirists with whom I have worked are one-and-done authors. They have, as the axiom goes, that one book inside of them that they’d like to write and after that, they are ready to move forward. Author isn’t their identity.
Interestingly, many of these writers have an easy time getting their stories onto the page because once something has happened to them, they know the story they want to write, who they want to write it for, etc.
Most of these writers simply want to create something for their children or grandchildren, or they’re doing it for themselves. Sure, selling the book and making some money would be cool, too, but for the most part, the one-and-done authors aren’t trying to make sales. In this case, it doesn’t matter so much if you want to write the story or if you give it time to gain perspective.
However, regardless of if it’s your only book, it’s important to point out that waiting gives you a better book. For those established authors who want to write a memoir or celebrities or notable people or individuals who want to write a book with heavy sales potential, it’s advised to give your story time to marinate before you start writing it and trying to get it published.
Why? Because time gives us perspective. Time helps us see the patterns and the rhythms of our lives in ways that rushing to the finish line doesn’t. (See my side story at the end.)
Is the Story Topic / Theme Trending?
Another criterion for deciding whether or not to wait to write your memoir is if it’s topical. If your story is about something that is trending, then jump on that book proposal yesterday. Get your sample chapters written and try to figure out your avenue for publication (i.e., traditional or self).
Try to be mindful of topics that might become relevant as well. Pay attention to social conversations and to activities in the country and around the world to discern what might be of interest or significant in coming years. The more time you have to develop a work, the more likely it is to be successful.
Can You Build Off the Memoir You Might Write Right Now?
Let’s say hypothetically that I wrote a memoir about pregnancy loss right after it happened. I wouldn’t have the full story about Jude or his sister or his dad to include, but that’s okay. I’ve had more and more life events happen that can more than fill up tomes; I could certainly build on or at least refer to these stories elsewhere.
If you are burning to write your story right now…you know how it’s going to start, what’s going to be in the story, and how it’s going to conlude, then I say go for it. You can always build on it later. I like to look to Glennon Doyle here as she wrote about her life in a close-to-real-time fashion. She even mentions in Untamed the horrific reality of learning of her husband’s infidelity as her latest book, which proclaimed their family and marriage a happy success resulting from overcoming so much, was being promoted.
Can this happen? Of course it can; this is one of the perils of writing your memoir without the benefit of perspective. Is it the end of the world? Of course it’s not! Who you are in a given moment, so long as you’re writing truthfully and authentically is all that matters. I might quit drinking for one, five, ten, twenty years and then decide champagne would pair nicely with oysters and enjoy wine again. Does that invalidate a memoir about becoming sober and practicing sobriety? Of course not!
In college, I wrote my thesis about my eating disorder, which at that time, I’d kicked. Fast forward to the months after my husband died when my eating disorder came back in full force. Does this mean my thesis was a lie? No! It just means that I’m still around to experience hard freaking times and to get knocked on my ass by life’s challenges.
Will You Regret the Story You Tell without Perspective?
So, this is a tough question…will you regret telling your story right now to a large audience without waiting for some kind of perspective?
You know of have to play a sort of fortune teller here because honestly, who know what we’ll regret. I make lots of choices that seem like a great idea at the time that in hindsight I definitely regret (looking at you, bag of nacho cheese Doritos). Try to imagine the future and imagine future you reading your words or someone looking at your story and forming opinions about you…are you willing to own your story?
This does take a lot of confidence and conviction in who you are and what you’ve experienced. Sometimes when we overshare, we regret our choices, so a better question is: are you sharing something that happened to you, or are you sharing something that defined you? Definitive events are far less regrettable because you will own them forever.
Are You Too Emotionally-Attached to the Story?
An important aspect of writing memoir whether you have the perspective of time or not pertains to telling the story honestly and without bias. You should show your readers what happened, not tell them. You also shouldn’t vilify characters…even if they are villans. Just reveal their actions as they transpired.
For example, I had a contentious relationship with my dad growing up. He’s very emotionally avoidant and wasn’t available for me, which hurt a lot. We were closer for the brief time I was married, but in the aftermath of my husband’s death, both my mom and my dad have grown distant because of how much the trauma has changed me (um…it’s supposed to). Anyway, on the day I closed on the house my late husband and I renovated and lived in together, my dad said some very hurtful and inaccurate things to me.
I tried to write about it. While I finished the draft, I never published it because it was too emotionally-charged. I wasn’t showing what happened to allow the reader to form their opinion of my dad or the situation; I was ranting because I was still too close to what happened and was still too wounded to give it the equitable treatment it deserved.
Thus, if you’re too close, you’ll recognize it in biased language and excess of exposition.
It’s Okay to Write a Memoir Whenever You Want
All that said, it’s okay to write a memoir whenever you want; don’t let traditional input alter your approach here; however, you do need to exercise judgment based on where you are in the context of the story you’d like to tell, the reason you’re telling the story, and what your feelings are about the story and the characters. If you can be fair and objective and have a clear theme and focus, then write…away.
It can be tough if not impossible to know when it’s the right time to write your story. If you have an idea but aren’t sure it’s ready for the big pages, contact me, and let’s consult! I’m happy to give you input on your project and to help steer you in the right direction. After all, one important factor in writing is when you have the drive, put the pedal to the metal…in other words, when you’re feeling the impetus to write, write!
Side Story
My Experience in Seeing a Bigger Picture after Time Passed
For example, the day after Christmas in 2014, my son died at 33 weeks. We don’t know what caused his little heart to stop beating, but it did. We did an emergency C-section. I struggled with the PTSD that comes with losing a baby in your third trimester while appreciating that Jude, our son, made me a better person; he inspired my husband to want to be a better person, too, so he’d one day join our son in heaven; he helped my husband and me grow closer as a couple after a tumultuous year of being new parents (our oldest child was 18 months when Jude died) and renovating a house.
Five months later, I was expecting again. My rainbow baby was on the exact same gestational timeline Jude was. Her due date was the same as what his would’ve been if he’d survived. Because Jude’s cause-of-death was unknown, I had extra monitoring. During a non-stress test 13 months to the day after Jude died, my rainbow baby didn’t move very much. The doctor’s office performed the same battery of tests they did when I went in with Jude 13 months earlier. To be cautious, my doctor checked me in to the hospital for monitoring.
I was having phantom contractions, contractions I couldn’t feel. I was also slightly dilated even though we were a week away from the scheduled C-section delivery date. I assumed I’d have some monitoring leading up to the procedure. The morning after I was admitted, though, my doctor walked in and said, “You’re going to have a baby today.”
Thank God for her instinct. Two of the three layers of my uterine lining had torn; another week of phantom contractions and a growing baby would have caused me to rupture. I would’ve lost the baby. Jude protected his little sister; without having lost Jude, I wouldn’t have had extra monitoring. This, I believed was the purpose. I could see it all come full circle.
But then…in September 2018, Sean got sick at age 33 with cancer resulting from chemical exposure at work. We were told he was going to beat the disease at every hook and bend in the road along his cancer journey. Until he wasn’t. On August 1, I was told the cancer had spread and Sean wouldn’t survive. He had days to weeks to live; Sean was too incoherent from pain and nausea meds to understand his death sentence. On August 4 after a seizure, we found ourselves at the hospital. Just after 7:30 PM, Sean spoke Jude’s name. He was, I believe, having a vision, which I happened to get on video. He told Jude he was sick and that he was going to go be with him. Ten hours later at 5:41 AM on August 8, 2019, Sean’s life passed through the veil.
Then I could see the greater big picture of Jude’s sweet life and story. He guided his dad to a peaceful place in the beyond; he gave his dad something to aspire toward beyond this life.
Time and time alone gave me that understanding. If you’d asked me five or even three years ago when we had our last baby, I’d have told you that Jude’s story was complete but that he is always a living spiritual presence in our family.
The point is…don’t write your story unless you know that it’s complete. For example, I’m currently working on a project about the first year of widowhood. My first year is complete, and while I am sure there are going to be lessons that build on lessons and learning, the experience is ripe for the writing.